Ovulation...

Such a wonderful word, don't you think? Well, it's not actually. Because when this happens, your emotions run like crazy little rats inside your body and you can shift from being fine and ok one minute until becoming extremly sad and low the next. It is so frustrating. I have it right now if you guys didn't pick up on that already. Anyways, when I woke up today I was feeling good, I did my hair put on a nice dress and went to school and my acting class happy. But when I came there something happend. My emotions got the best of me. Somehow all of a sudden in this little room fileld with all these ppl I felt so completley alone and that all of a sudden the world was mad at me, ppl were trying to avoid eye contact with me, they didn't feel like having a conversation with me and I was literally scared of myself. I became paranoid. A part of me also felt when I watched Pauls group perform there scenes today that I suck as an actress, something I deep inside knows isn't true. But it just hit me. That maybe I haven't gotten anywhere because maybe I'm just fooling myself into thinking that I'm good at something that I asctually suck at. I hate when these feelings hit you. Usually they go away after a day or two, but I don't enjoy myself and my life when they're inside me. This probably sounds worse than it is, which itprobably was. Because after class I had coffe with Debbie and Soona and I told them about my thoughts and feelings, and they said what I just said, that I was just probably paranoid and wrapped up in my hormonial rollercoaster.

But why should you feel this way? Is it normal? I talked to Linnea and she said that she can become like this too when she has her ovulation. So I guess it's kinda common. However, I wanna state the fact again, that it's not a pleaset time. The wierdest thing was though that when I got home and started to think about things and ppl, I felt this strong feeling that something big and hopefully happy is soon about to happen. Maybe I'm just being paranoid in the other direction, or maybe it's true. I don't know. Time will have to tell. Wouldn't it be good though if something good and happy were to happen? Usually it's harder for us to believe this then that something negative will happen, maybe because we don't want to be dissapointed. And I can agree on that. Dissapointments are a part of life, but not something we like if we can avoid it.

Anyways, another thing that bothers me. I saw today that the TV show Glee is having open casting calls to cast a new member to their Glee team. I like that show but it's also a show about songs and singing. And even if it's also acting involved you'll have to be able to sing, and even if I don't sonsider myself being totally tonedeaf, I really don't think that I can compete with the other ppl who actually have a great voice and at the same time can act. Yeah, my look might be interesting and different since I have the European/Scandinavian look and that might be funny to add to the Glee team. But I'm not a singer so it feels kinda not "worth" it if you know what I mean. But I am gonna post a video of myself on their website, I mean I have nothing to loose, maybe just my ego when ppl might comment on my "bad" voice. I'm just so mad that the only time a TV show has an open casting call it requires you to be able to not just be good at acting, no you have to be able to sing also! Why not just have an open casting call for like, Bones, Melrose Place or some other show where acting and only acting is involved!? There are already so many "talent" shows with singing and dancing. Yeah we've all heard of them, American Idol, America's got talent, X-Factor, So you think you can dance etc. But where the fuck are the acting casting shows!? Why can't there be a Bones star show or something else. I know that there's been like Next Soap Star and Next Action Star. But those shows don't get the same kind of appreciation as AI or SYTYCD. And it sucks, for me anyway! Well I guess I'll just have to keep me eyes open and see what happens. Just wanted to let this out... now I feel a little better. I've been eating dark chocolate so maybe that helped a bit =)

Well, I'm gonna do something else now. Maybe google some auditions or something.

Talk to you guys soon!

XoXo - Frieda K*