Oh, don't look so scared. It sounds worse than it is. I just have some confusion at the moment where I think I "belong" if you know what I mean. Before I went here I thought that Sweden wasn't for me, because it was so small and ppl and mostly guys in this case were stupied, boring and just not for me. I was somehow destent to to greater things and to be somewhere else. And now when I'm here I'm not so sure that what I thought before is true. Kinda reflects back to the play I wrote about in my two previous posts. That what we think we want isn't always at all what we wanted. I love this place, I do. But there is also a little "disgust" for it. It is one thing to travel and be here on vacation for like 2 - 4 weeks. You see and experience the good stuff, live in the nice areas, maybe and you have saved up enough money to last during your stay. But when you come here as a student or to work or do something that resembles what you did back home, it gets different. Even if the city is sooo exciting at first, which all new places are ofcourse. You soon, when you've settled and started a somewhat "normal" life with everyday rutines realize and see the differensies from what you're used to. To someone who moves form another state it might not be that big of a challenge and difference, but if you're from Northern Europe it can be a huge challenge. Even if the countries are kinda similar and live by the "western world" society, it is big differensis when you dig deeper under the surface. Sometimes what you find isn't always so beautiful and pleasent as it appeard to be. God that sounded poetic. But it's not. Don't get me wrong, if I found someone here, someone who I felt were honest, had true intentions and someone I could call a "true friend" and "true lover" like I can with my friends back home, I would definatley consider staying for a longer period of time. But the fact is that during the three months period that I've been here I haven't found any "true" american friends, that are origionally from this city. And it's sad, because I really wanted to. But to me ppl seem to be somewhat fake, have hidden agendas with you, and don't really care that much about true friendship as I see it. And don't even get me started with the guys. I have met a lot of guys since I came here. Talked to many of them and exchanged numbers. Set up times for dates and waited for them to respond to my text about when and where we're gonna meet. What do I get? Nothing! They don't even have the decency to call or text back to tell me they don't want to see me. Even if they were the one's approaching me and asking for MY nr, texting me about how nice it would be to meet again. Hello!? What am I missing? I know I've said that Swedish guys are stupied, but they're stupied in a different way. Atleast a lot of them have the curtesy to text or call, even if it's just to say that they don't think that we should see each other anymore. Ok, then I know. But I will not accept just being stood up! This has happend to me three times now! When is it really my turn? I so want to believe that there are nice guys out there, here or Sweden or somewhere else. But it is very hard to believe when I constantly run into idiots! And right now I'm not "looking" I am just being. But it doesn't seem to matter. They idiots flock around me anyhow. Oh well, I guess it's just to wait a little bit longer...ok now I got a little sidetracked there. I really didn't mean to throw my biterness about guys out there. I'm just really frustrated about this at the moment. If I can't get a guy that will be something consistent and permanent, atleast let me find someone to"play" with while I'm here. Someone to keep me occupied. I can' even manage that. Linnea has, and Charlie, and Sofia and more ppl. But why not me? Grrr, the madness inside me is boiling.
And the other thing that bothers me, that it is extremly hard to get acting auditions without an agent, and most agents don't want to take u in if you're not a citizen here and allowed to work legally. Which I'm not. And that sucks so hard! I haven't given up, oh no. I just have to find another strategy. If it is to stay here and fight or if it is to begin somewhere else, I don't know that yet. But I'm gonna have to figure it out soon, because time is money and it's running away...I'm not getting any younger. And if I age one year in life I age like 4 years in Hollywood land. Well well, enough with that now!
I really thought that I would be the person that would never want to go back to Sweden, I thought that I would emmediatley settle here, feel at home finally and don't look or think back. Except missing my friends, which I do, a lot! But now I'm not so sure anymore. Yes Sweden is small and ppl can be stupied, close-minded and not so "outgoing" towards strangers and newcomers. BUT, they are genuine and care about you, most of them if you become their friend. You feel safe and secure. Something that can be hard to find here. I'm certain that there are a lot of good, kind and genuine ppl here too. I just haven't run in to them, yet! A lot can happen in 7 weeks! Which is the time I have left before I go back to Svealand. I am not sure what I will do this fall, will I go back, or will I stay in Sweden? A part of me wants both, I am afraid that if I go back I will feel lonley and left out because the ppl I've gotten to know here now are not coming back. And it might be the same issues I would have to face again. If I stay in Sweden I have all my friends and I would feel safe and secure. But I know that there's a big possibility that I'll get bored when I've been back after two or three months. That always happen to me. And I don't want to feel like that either! I don't know which is worst. Gosh, this is so hard! Maybe I should stay in Sweden during the fall and go someplace else during the spring, like New Zeeland or Canada? But as Linnea said, and it's true. Sometime, someday we have to stop running and just settle somewhere with someone. And she feels like she might be ready for the "serious" life soon. I'm not sure. I'm only one year younger than her, but I still feel like I have a lot more to see and explore before I "settle" down. Oh, but she's right about the running away part. I feel partly like that's what I'm doing, but at the same time I'm not sure what I would be running away from...
Oh well, I've emptied my mind enough for one night. It felt good getting that out anyway. The reason I've started to write in English all of a sudden is because I talk and text in Swedish everyday, that I'm afraid I'll loose the writing in English. And also because some of my classmates wants to read my blog but they don't really understand if I write in Swedish. So in this way we all can understand. Both you, my swedes, me, and them, my americans.
I think I'm gonna hop in to bed soon. I have acting class tomorrow morning. And Pauls group is performing their scenes! I go on, on Thursday! Oh, darn I was suppose to tell you something about my acting class/teachers. But I leave that for the next post...
Love you all, and miss you guys in Swe a lot!
XoXo - Frieda K*
Linnea and Ryan.
We had to escape for a night,
so on Saturday we went with Ryan to Sharkeyz.
Thanks Ryan for an awesome night.
You are a friend, and you're an american.
So don't be affected by what I just wrote...
