I had a really crappy evening last night. I was in such a bad mood that it made me insane! I just sat there in my kitchen staring into the wall trying to calm myself down and think about other things that wouldn't make me more upset, but I just couldn't concentrate. So I took the bike and we went for a little ride in the pouring rain. I thought that might make me feel a little bit better, and it did, a little. But the things that bothered me was still etching in the back of my mind. So maybe you're curious what it was that made me so sad and upset.
First the fact that I'm so poor right now that I practically can't do anything! And this resulted in me not being able to pay my cell phone bill for this month which means that my account will be shut down in a few days or maybe even later today. So if you try to call me and hear a strange voice saying something like "the number you have tried to call is not available" you know what's happend. If you read this blog that is.
The second, my computer is breaking more each day. Yesterday it said that the network card is not working properly, but today obviously it is! Since I'm sitting here now writing this post. Well, that's really annoying. It's working one day, then the next it's not!
Ok, and then it's the fact that me and my body are not exactly friends at the moment, and haven't been for a while. And it's strange and really irritating, because I've been working out at the gym atleast three times a week for the last two months! But I'm not seeing any results what so ever! Maybe I'm not doing the right excersises or maybe my body is just not done for working out... I don't know. But it's really annoying! It's not very nice when you look into the mirror and are discusted about what you see and that you constantly compare yourself with everyone else and just wishes that "oh, if I only had legs like that" and "oh, what if my stomach was a little bit flatter" or "if I just had bigger brests I would be perfect!" These are the thoughts in my head, almost every day. I can't take it anymore, but I can't seem to stop the thoughts from coming either. I just want to be happy with the way I look, but I'm not and I don't think I'll ever will be. I just need to find some kind of balance and try to like myself and the way I look. But it's hard, it's really hard. But I'll try, I promise I will...
And then, the other constant thing, me being the single girl in the female friend gang. All of my closest friends have relationships, except Sofie. But the other girls do. And I can't help by feeling really alone at times. I'm so happy for all of them! Really, I am! But I want love to, I want someone to love me and someone I can give my heart to! Oh well, I guess I'll just have to give it time, more time then I already have. Maybe he is waiting for me in America, maybe he isn't. I guess time will have to tell...
Anyways, I feel a little bit better today. But I still have this sad and bad feeling inside of me. Can someone PLEASE come and just wipe it away!! NOW!
Oh, I can't help but thinking, what if by some stupied little technicality I get denied either by the school in America or CSN and my American Dreams and my entire future just falls apart...what the f ***k will I do then!? I litteraly don't know what will happen to me if that happens. So I pray to god that I get granted in every direction to go to L.A in Jan!!
So enough with the negativity! I have the weekly acting class tonight, that's something to look forward to! And in a few hours I'm gonna hit the gym with Hanna. That might release some good energy...might. =)
So, if you liked the very nice and tasty pic of my "taco-gratäng" that I posted yesterday and maybe you thought, oh I wanna make that! Well now you can! Here is the recepie (oh that's not the right spelling I think, oh what the heck, you get my point!)
Tacogratäng
500 g köttfärs
1 röd paprika
1 frp philadelphia ost
1 frp creme fraiche
1 påse riven ost ca 175 g
1 påse taco krydda
1 påse taco chips gärna med ost smak
Sätt ugnen på 175 grader.
Blanda philadelphia osten och creme fraichen i en bunke och låt det svalna i kylskåpet en stund
Stek köttfärsen och tillsätt taco kryddan
Häll philadelphia blandningen i en ungsäker form och häll köttfärsen över.
Sprid ut den rivna osten ovanpå köttfärsen.
Skär paprikan i små bitar och lägg dessa överst på gratängen.
Grädda alltsammans i ugnen i ca 20 min.
Servera med taco chipsen, gärna nån dipp och sallad till!
Yummy! Everyone that I've cooked this to, have absolutely loved it, and I'm sure you will to!
Until next time, I'll try to feel a little bit better...
XoXo - Frieda K*
It's only 12 weeks away...
Cross fingers and toes!
