Thoughts, Feelings, Wonderings...

Todays post is in english. I just felt that, that was a good choice today. I ment to update last night after I'd seen Eclipse. But I watched Gossip Girl and Bones instead, and then I was so tried that I fell aslepp on the couch. Anyways. Todays topic, not a new topic i haevn't touched before beacuse feelings and thoughts are always with us, sometimes more or less. I just don't know, but somehow it seems that I think, analyze and is affected a lot more than many others. And I express it a lot more than others aswell. I just wish that this bitterness, restlessness and a small feeling of emptyness would disapear. Beacuse I don't have any reasons what so ever to have emotions like that. I have friends that love and care about me, I have a place to stay, for free! I have a job that provides me with a little amount of cash. And I have a lot to look forward to in the fall when I return to L.A for another semester at Cal State Fullerton. So why then, do I still feel like this? Is it beacuse I'm getting older and I'm not at all where I'm "supposed" to be, compared to where some of my friends are at. Or is it beacuse I'm not sure what my future looks like, or where I'll be a year from now? The reason I'm asking this to anyone or myself is because I don't have the answer. If I did I wouldn't have to wonder and ask. I refuse though, to think that I feel like this beacuse I don't have a boyfriend. But a part of me actually fears or believe that most of these feelings would maybe not disapear completley, but fade a little bit. Should it have to be like that!? That I would have to have a man to feel complete? No, but yes, maybe. Oh, crap I don't know. I think I have to find my place in the world, wherever that might be. I have to find the peace within, in my soul. Cuz right now I feel really restless and yeah the rest. But I'm still very happy and I laugh a lot. So maybe that's why it's so frustrating. That I have both these "not so pleasent" feelings and the happy and nice feelings all at the same time! Because they're fighting a war inside, and it's a battle over my soul of who wins and loses. Omg, I have to stop to be so "bleedy". But I feel a little bit better after I've scribbled things like this down. And maybe I shouldn't let others read it. But I like people to know how I'm doing and yeah. Oh well, it's not as bad as it might sound. You'd know if it was "that bad". I'll manage, I always do, somehow.

So, last but not least. I saw Eclipse last night. It was really good. I liked it a lot. But the bitter single in me did not like the mega strong and very rare love between Bella, Edward and Jacob. Beacuse a part of me don't think that deep and unconditional love like that exists in real life. Or if it does, only for a short period of time, like the first two months but then it fades and in the end ppl die or the split up. Even the most happiest couples that you thought would never ever go separate ways. It's just a part of life. Oh, that sounded very bitter. I think I'm kinda scared to love like this. Beacuse it's hard to find, and if you happen to be lucky enough to find it, you'll be so scared of losing it that you treasure it to hard and it fails. And I'm scared to get hurt and think that you've found "the one" or "it" just to find out a while later that you were wrong, and one of you breaks the others heart.

BUT! Yes and I say but because there is this big dreamer and believer in me, (the part that also makes me love acting and make believing so much) that do believes strongly in love like this and that one day I will find it! And I'm willing to wait for that day, because when it comes it'll be worth the wait. And if I am such a wonderful, caring beautiful and amazing girl that my friends say, there must be a guy out there for me that will eventually see this, appreciate it and make me the happiest girl on earth...

But for now it's the single with the mixed emotions of good and bad bubbling inside her. =)

Until next time, take care!

//Frieda K*